Just when I thought all the conspiracies related to the coronavirus were gone and all but forgotten, I discovered a couple of gems. These intrigues belong right up there in the Annals of Award-Winning Quackery. But, in all fairness, I did find something positive in at least one of the theories. There is a remote possibility that the second theory might have a hint of something positive buried in its shadowy underside, also.

The conspiracies come from the brain of a Cleveland based doctor who recently appeared at a hearing before a committee in the Ohio House. Sherri Tenpenny is an osteopathic doctor and the author of “Saying No to Vaccines.”

What is an osteopathic doctor? One who practices a whole person approach to medicine; one who treats the entire person not just the symptoms. With a focus on preventive health, the osteopath – and they must be licensed – helps patients develop attitudes and lifestyles that do more than fight illness, they prevent it, too.

This is what Dr. Tenpenny had to say. People who are getting vaccinated for the coronavirus are becoming “magnetized.”

“I’m sure you have seen the pictures all over the internet of people who have had these shots and now they’re magnetized,” Tenpenny said. “They can put a key on their forehead. It sticks. They can put spoons and forks all over them and they can stick.” She also suggested the vaccines interface with 5G cellular towers.

The lawmakers listening to Tenpenny did not push back. It is not known whether the male members stuck their hands in their pockets and held onto their keys. Once Tenpenny finished her testimony – and she does have another theory I will get to in a minute – the lawmakers thanked her for giving her time. They are considering a bill that would prevent Ohio businesses or the government to require proof of vaccinations.

If Tenpenny’s fears are valid, everyone who has been vaccinated will be less likely to contract Covid-19, and they will be less likely to lose their keys. Misplacing keys is the bane of my existence. If my keys stuck to my forehead, well, I would suffer from less anxiety, plus I would always know where my keys were.

Yes, I did try to stick my keys to my forehead. When that failed, I took my spoon and tried to stick it to my forehead. The oatmeal on the spoon stuck to my forehead just above the left eyebrow but not the spoon. Yes, yes, I could have used a clean spoon, but I chose to use a clean fork instead. It did not stick either.

Should I contact the health care provider who administered my Moderna vaccines and warn them that the vaccines may have been duds, leaving me vulnerable to Covid and unable to start my car to drive to a doctor should I become infected with the virus?

I know house keys are often lost too, but I lose car keys. OK? OK.

The other fear expressed by Tenpenny involves reproduction. The good doctor is worried about “the globalists and the depopulation eugenicists, the stated Satanists who are out to destroy the world.” Tenpenny says men have been advised not to have unprotected sex for six weeks after receiving Pfizer’s mRNA-based vaccine. The virus could bind to the surface of sperm and change DNA, slow it, or kill it, causing infertility or birth defects. She also says women have been warned not to get pregnant for two months after receiving the Pfizer vaccine.

Balderdash, the experts say, the real experts not the conspiracy buffs.

What did I find positive about this Tenpenny theory? Maybe people who listen to her, and she spreads her gospel via podcast, might postpone having kids for a while – at least until they come to their senses. When they do start a family but find another podcast to listen to. In the meantime, I need to find my keys.

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